ATLANTA, GA., April 1, 2015 – Mayor Kasim Reed and former Mayor Shirley Franklin have joined hands to put together a blue-ribbon panel of Israeli and Atlanta experts to carry out a unique plan. Reed explained: “We finally have a solution to the city’s homeless population: a working kibbutz. The plan is based on a demographic study of our downtown residents who are known far and wide as the most indolent and malleable of the entire Southeast. Down there, anything goes. The success of the project is assured.”
The idea of a fully functioning, downtown kibbutz grew out of the positive experience of children of a friend of Jimmy Carter’s. “Before these teens went to Israel, they were lowlife bums,” he drawled, exhibiting his trademark toothy grin. “When they came back they were hardworking menschen, and they learned to eat vegetables.”
Carter’s friend, Tommy Gunn, who owns several acres of overpriced property near Turner field, agreed to sell the land to the new Kibbutz for Humanity Program. The fee remains undisclosed.
“Religious and civic groups are storming our doors, vying to become involved in the project,” Franklin said.
Asked how the homeless will feel about becoming resident farmers, Reed said, “If unfocused Jewish intellectuals can become farmers, homeless winos can do it, too.”
Franklin, uncomfortable with that statement, gave him one of those looks. Chagrined, Reed backpedaled, “Of course, I personally know many homeless people who aren’t.
Downtown Kibbutz Debate Continues
A new resident who just purchased an expensive condo in the proposed kibbutz area called the plan “frivolous.” As Reed and Franklin left the podium, the condo owner, asking to remain anonymous, grabbed the microphone. “Now our mayor wants to bring cows into the neighborhood? I don’t know what a kibbutz is, but if it takes up parking spaces, I’m against it.”
On the other hand, a longtime squatter, Jay Walker, who asserted that he never drinks wine, expressed support for the plan. “I hope they have lots of animals,” he said. “Our place is already a pigsty, and, besides, it should drive out the rats.”
His wife, Speedy, had an additional thought. “Our place is perfect for a bomb shelter, being in the basement and all. Don’t all them kibbutz places have bomb shelters?”
Kay Sarah Sehrah and her sister, Bea Styll Myhardt, who just relocated to downtown Atlanta from Australia, were ecstatic about the greening of their new neighborhood. “At first we thought that an unscrupulous Realtor had tricked us with this neighborhood, but the thought of sheep grazing on Peachtree Street makes shivers run up and down our spines. And, let’s be honest, everybody benefits from free-range chickens.”
Reed and Franklin could not be reached for further comment. Watch this column for the unfolding scoop on the kibbutz proposal.
Disclaimer: This is a satire for April Fools day.