Several years ago, I had to give an introductory speech at a synagogue dinner. I looked for something cute and funny, and found some actual personal ads from singles that ran in Jewish newspapers. Here are 10 of them:
1. Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
2. Couch potato latke in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows?
3. Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build sukkah together, attend brises and bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
4. Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
5. Jewish princess, 28. Seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: $100s, $50s, $20s.
6. Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
7. Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons, no baggage, no personality.
8. Female graduate student, studying kabbalah, Zohar, exorcism. Seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
9. Jewish businessman, 49. Manufactures Shabbos candles, Chanukah candles, Havdalah candles, yahrzeit candles. Would like to light your candle.
10. Eighty-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile, Jewish male, under 35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I will end with a quote from the clever mind of George Carlin. He asks: “If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?